Let’s start as we mean to go on. Many of you out there probably love Portugal, heck, maybe you’ve visited it every year since you could board a plane, but that doesn’t mean you’ve not been taken in by what is frankly a terrible place.

And if you’ve never been? Well, we can save you from a world of hurt. Just take a look below and you’ll understand that Portugal is without a doubt an appalling destination for any serious traveller.

1:The Beaches Are Lethal

No really. Utterly lethal. We can’t count the number of horror stories that have come our way from outraged travellers who, on booking a two week holiday in order to explore the various nooks and crannies of Portugal, find themselves instead stuck on one of the many beaches!

The problem is the beach scene in Portugal is out of this world. From quiet coves to vibrant sandy stretches, Portugal is home to some of the most gorgeous and avidly photographed beaches in the world. From the eye candy that is Praia da Marinha to the lovely Portinho da Arrabida, Portugal’s beaches are criminally pretty and it’s just plain irresponsible.

Trust us, you can try and explore Portugal all you want but once you’ve stepped onto one of their sandy gems framed by azure waters, you aren’t going to want to go anywhere else in a hurry.

2: It’s A Terrible Place For Couples

There are lashings of beautiful spots in Portugal and no shortage of idyllic nooks and whimsical winding roads, but perhaps nowhere more so than Porto. Porto is like something from a fairy-tale, with its winding cobbled streets, corner cafes and the Douro River twisting along all blue and beautiful, it’s easy to see why it’s one of the most romantic places in the world.

Which is great for highlighting relationships woes isn’t it? There you are with your significant other, feeling thoroughly irritated with all they stand for (as they are with you) while you’re in the heart of lovey dovey land. Everywhere birds are singing love songs and wine glasses are being amorously clinked and the sun is shining on the pretty streets as though it too, is in love with Porto. And there you are, wishing your partner would stop chewing his sandwich with an open mouth and wearing his stupid socks with his stupid sandals.

Back home you can blame the stress of work for your relationship troubles, here in Porto you just have to admit that Derek’s got to go.

3: It May Spark Rage

Remember as a kid when you finally had to accept that your lack of a Hogwart’s acceptance letter was not in fact down to some monstrous administrative error, but rather more like you just weren’t accepted? Yeah, us too.

Well, prepare to bring up all those bad feelings, because if your travels take you to Porto then you might just find yourself at the visually stunning and literature laden Livraria Lello. This bookshop is known for its quirky layout, wealth of books and general beauty, but perhaps its biggest claim to fame is that is used to be a local haunt of J K Rowling. It’s also said that this bookshop inspired Hogwart’s Library itself. Which is great for those who actually got their letters and saw the actual library, it’s not quite so wonderful for the rest of us who keep mindlessly throwing ourselves at Platform 9¾ or shrieking “Accio Acceptance Letter!” at the postman.

Just another reason to ditch Portugal altogether.

4 It’s A Bit Fishy

Seriously, no matter where you go the potential for some excellent seafood is abundant. There’s fresh crab and tender calamari, sweet prawns and hearty fish stews. All of this can be finished off with a glass of excellent white wine and in front of a great view too, so all in all, not a bad way to spend a lunchtime.

Wrong. What about beans on toast? What about the iconic crisp and pickled egg sarnie? It’s just a total farce in all honesty.

5 The Problem With Lisbon

Ever heard of Jean Buridan’s philosophical concept known as Buridan's Donkey? It states that a donkey caught between two equidistant piles of hay wouldn’t be able to choose which to head for and thus would starve.

Well with that in mind, welcome to Lisbon. Except rather than two piles of hay there’s a shed load of things to do and no possible way of choosing. With so many excellent museums and galleries, markets and shops, walks and tours, not to mention a thriving nightlife, knowing where to start can be a real problem.

Oh and did we mention Lisbon is also beautiful and full of places to eat? You see, it’s just too much awesomeness and culture in one place, and for that reason alone it’s best to stay home and just watch the Emmerdale Omnibus endlessly. You know where you are with Emmerdale after all.

Oh, you still want to see our holiday villas in Portugal? Fine, do it, but don't come crying to us when Derek breaks out the crocs and socks combo.