Benidorm. It’s all you ever hear when people discuss holidays, it’s all ‘Benidorm’s great!’ and ‘oh what about Benidorm?’ and ‘Jumping jellybeans isn’t Benidorm the cutest destination for a holiday ever?

Well, you know what? No.

Benidorm should be renamed Beniyawn, and here’s why.

1 The Beach Problem

So, here’s something that you might not know, but Benidorm is practically the Queen when it comes to Spain’s beaches and it's one of the biggest pulls for tourists who choose to holiday there.

With Playa de Levante to the one side and Playa de Poniente making up the other, the potential for sunning yourself is infinite. The latter is known for its quieter nature and laid-back feel, whereas Playa de Levante tends to have a bit more buzz about it, meaning that no matter what sort of beach experience you want from Benidorm, it’s got you covered.

And that’s precisely where I take issue.

With its beach front restaurants and bars, the water activities available at every turn and some delightful sunsets to enjoy on the seafront, Benidorm’s beaches will keep you entertained for days.

Which is more than a little selfish because there’s more to Benidorm than its sand and sea, not that you’ll ever find out because you won’t be able to tear yourself away.

So, thanks Benidorm for doing your job so very well, that’s just great, I hope you’re absolutely thrilled with yourself.

Urgh, the injustice of it all…

2 The Benidorm Municipal Market Conundrum

Well where to begin? The Benidorm Municipal Market is like a light to thrift shop moths, full of bargains and sale items and dazzling delights for the avid shopper. Not only can you get some great fresh food, but also an extensive range of bags, clothes and neat souvenirs. And not only are they great quality, but they’re fab prices too!

‘So?’ I hear you cry ‘What’s so wrong with that? It sounds ideal!’

Well dear friends and foes, the problem is you’re going to lose all sense of willpower here and once you enter all bets are off.

You see, despite a small voice in your head informing you that you only arrived in the country with carry-on luggage, you will still doubtlessly come away with at least 5 excellent bags, one authentic Spanish sarong and an assortment of ornaments, keyrings, and jewellery.  And you’ll love them, because come on, how could you not?

But then the day to pack for home comes around and some hard choices will have to be made. The marbled green shoulder bag or the Flamenco dancer ornament for aunt Dora? You love the bag, but it won’t fit in your modest suitcase, not with all your other bits and bobs anyway. You realise with icy dread that something has to give.  

Hmmm. This is a conundrum. The handbag is divine, true, but you have a duty to present your relative with a gift from your travels. It’s the sort of moral dilemma that will have you tossing and turning at night in pure and unbridled anguish, all because you decided to go to one of the best markets in Spain…

Actually wait. Not it won’t. Aunt Dora was always stingy with the biscuits at teatime for one thing, and for another she’s never appreciated how colour-coordinating your bag, shoes and sunnies is a fashion-must.

You know what? Forget everything I just said, Aunt Dora can take a hike.  

3 The Rock and Roll House Danger

When it comes to the best night out in Spain then Benidorm saunters to the stage to accept the award accordingly. From base-pounding clubs to brilliant bars, Benidorm offers a wide variety of choice, and one in particular seems to keep people returning back again and again.

That place is The Rock and Roll House. And I advise you to stay well away.

The thing is this is dream come true if you’re a big fan of music, and especially if you like Elvis, because the Rock and Roll House has one of the best tribute acts ever. And that’s not all, you’ll also find other excellent tributes including the Blues Brothers, and Shakin' Stevens, as well as various live performances of classic rock anthems.

If that weren’t great enough, there’s exceptionally friendly staff, well-priced drinks and a great area for dancing.

The problem? You can do this every night. The joy and delight of great music and even better people can now be your normal. Beach by day, boogie by night. The party need never stop.

Except it must. Because you’ve got flights booked for home and you promised your mother you’d take her hat shopping for you second cousin's wedding which in your opinion is already on shaky ground…

Remember? Remember there’s your prior life? The life before the Rock and Roll House?

No of course you don’t, you’re too busy making eyes at Elvis and throwing shapes on the dance floor.

4 The Wiley Tapas

Tapas is sneaky. It beguiles you, shows up from nowhere all wide-eyed and innocent proclaiming: “but I’m only a small portion!” before sucking you in with all its tasty, scrummy, deliciousness.

You see, much like the ferocious army ant, one little bowl is nothing. But it’s never just one is it? It’s all too soon an armada. A deadly armada of fresh olives, warm bread, chorizo, croquetas, calarmari and much more besides.

‘It’s ok’, you think to yourself, ‘I’ll just let out my belt a little. I can eat just one more without exploding, I’m sure of it’.

Well good luck to you mighty warrior, but be warned, no man beats Tapas, it’s a mighty, moreish monster and there aren’t enough belt holes in the world.

5 The Perfect Benidorm Tourist Bus

There are a great many ways to enjoy the sights of Benidorm, by bike, on a walking tour, or even by hopping on a Segway, but by all accounts, one of the most enjoyable methods is the Benidorm Tourist Bus.

Oh yes. For a mere £7 you get to sit on the merry, open top, tram-like bus and take in the world as it rolls by.

Some key sights you’ll be treated to on this hour-long ride include the colourful Market Rincon de Loix, the fabulous El Casco Antiguo de Benidorm and of course Poniente Beach.

I know what you’re thinking. What could I possibly have against a jolly bus tour around some of Benidorm’s most beloved attractions?

Well, I don’t like to complain as you know, but since you’ve brought it up let’s get into it.

The fact of the matter is this: Benidorm is pretty and the bus ride is pleasant and so you can have a great time chatting and gawping in comfort.

But not all bus rides were made equally, and you can bet the next time you catch your local bus back home that you’re going to be fairly disappointed. What’s all this wet stuff on the window? Where’s the blue sky? Why can’t I see the sea? Why oh why is this rust-bucket heading to my place of work, instead of, oh I don’t know, a lovely point of interest in Benidorm?

All I’m saying is the Benidorm Tourist Bus is a delight and it will ruin bus rides for you for good.

Oh, so you still want to go? Well, it's up to you, but don't say we didn't warn you.